Thursday, November 8, 2012

Dear Republicans: The solution to your current problems is simple - It's Me

My old friend Brian Yang, while breaking down the results of this past week's election noted that:

The republicans as they are now, with American demographics as they are now, 
will never be elected into power again. They need a even more ethnic presidential 
candidate than Obama. I suggest the Asian Gilbert Godfrey himself, Brian Tham.

Up until this moment, I never would have thought of myself as casting my lot with the GOP, but the analysis makes perfect sense - In an environment where the GOP needs to appeal to diversity, who else is more diverse than me?

Check it:

- My mother was born in South Africa
- My father was born in India
- Previous generations of my family spent time in Mauritius and in China

And to cap it all off, I was born in Canada North America: Just the way republicans like it!  I mean, let's face it - I'm so multi-ethnic, I make Barack Obama look like Barry Manilow.

True, there is not a lot of Hispanic blood in there, but the party isn't going to want to be perceived as disingenuously pandering to the Hispanic masses.  An Asian-looking candidate is just brown enough to work here.  Besides, the demographics in Nevada and Virginia could definitely swing on the Asian vote in 2016 if current immigration patterns hold.

Having proven that I meet the diversity criteria, the next question is obviously whether or not I have the kind of platform that America will find electable.  Don't worry, I've got that covered too.  Here I present to you my platform for the Republican Party in 2016:

Tenet 1: No Mean Legislation

As President, I will pledge to veto all legislation that can be distilled down to just being mean.  For example: Gay marriage bans?  Fundamentally mean - Veto'd.  Restrictions on where Muslim communities can build mosques?  Fundamentally mean - Veto'd.  Americans are, by and large, nice people, and will understand, and support this position.

Tenet 2: No Government in the Boudoir

As a wise Canadian North American once put it: There is no place for Government in the bedrooms of the people.  That's right - My administration will be pro-choice and pro-whatever-your-consensual-kink is all the way.  True small-government conservatives will back this 100%.
Yeah, that guy...

Tenet 3: Trust Smart People on the Economy

The budget needs balancing, yes.  How should this be done?  Not by asking self-interested groups who are paid out from it, or who are elected on it.  That way lies only the status quo.  Fortunately, there is this thing called Math that is very useful for solving problems that involve numbers.  There are also very smart people out there who know how to use Math, and they are the ones who will be put to work on balancing the proverbial checkbook.  Will taxes go up?  Yup.  Will spending go down?  You betcha.  Can I give you details?  Of course not - I'm trying to be a politician here.

Tenet 4: Continue and Expand the Drone War

One thing that the US produces at a rate that no other country can match is Red Bull-fueled, high-twitch HALO players who would make awesome drone pilots.  In fact, as President, I would pursue the development by DARPA of humanoid drones that would be able to translate the video game front-end into actual frontline combat.  Having an army of FPS drones piloted by battalions of 14-year old boys high on caffeine at my disposal will have Iran and N Korea reversing their positions on their nuke programs faster than Mitt Romney at a -- oh, too soon?
The Cenrepiece of My Foreign Policy - No, really...

Tenet 5: Immigration is Useful

As a Canadian immigrant North American citizen who is remarkably well informed about how the US immigration system works, I can tell you that immigration reform is needed to simplify the immigration process.  You see, people don't come to the US illegally because they are criminals who are trying to evade the law.  People come to the US illegally because they can't figure out the damn forms!  Under my leadership, the GOP will be the party that makes immigration easier, not harder, and the brown-skinned masses will flock to our banner.

So there you have it Republican America - You have a problem; I am the solution.

I am the candidate you need, with the platform America wants!  Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

See you at the Primaries

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